Love is something that can make you the happiest person alive. With love, its also something that can break you down into tiny pieces to eat away at your soul. The past 3 weeks I have been working to over come a heartbreak. The difficulties I have faced aren't new to me but nobody likes to go through a heartbreak. However, this article is going to be personal, raw, and emotional. Its an open letter to who I loved and if you are reading this, thank you. You are addressed as them, they.
At the beginning of each love story it starts out great. You both are in love with each other and you are having the best time of your lives. You both are happy. But with every relationship, there are hardships throughout the whole thing as long as it may last. During those hardships, you have the option to fight or flight. Choosing to flight from a hardship in a relationship is one of the hardest things that can happen to the person who is fighting for the relationship. Depending on the type of situation that the hardship is, it would feel like that person who is choosing to flight is giving up on the person. If you are the type of person that chooses to flight and leave the person who you love, did you really ever love them?
Trigger Warning: Content includes suicidal thoughts. You may exit the site at any time.
It started out amazing and it truly made me happy. It was around Christmas time whenever I developed to have feelings for this person. I don't open up to people as much as I have opened up to this person. It was something I have never experienced. It felt to me like it was pure love. They took me to a Christmas house that was decorated in lights, took me out to eat, got gifts for me, wrote me paragraphs in the Christmas card, we went to watch movies. I didn't care what I got for Christmas for 2018, all I wanted for my gift was that person. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was loved. It felt like the person loved me for everything that I was and loved every insecurity I had that made me put my guard up when it came to love. When we talked on the phone, it would be for hours upon hours. Having a conversation was so easy and continuing the conversation was easier. We would talk about space, politics, religion, literally anything we would talk about. There was a connection. I valued this person so much in my life that I made them a part of my daily routine. I would call every day to ask them how their day was and just try to start a conversation. Even if we didn't have anything to talk about, I would think of something random to talk about just to hear the sound of their voice which gave me a warm feeling of comfort.
As Months Went On:
I felt that we started to drift away from each other and I went into a panic mode because I didn't want to lose this person since I loved them. I feared of losing them. I remember talking to one of my friends about everything and how happy they made me. I remember telling her that my biggest fear was talking to them everyday to not even talking to them at all. She reminded me that everything would be okay which it was at the time. This happened around February which was months prior to everything that had happened. The only reason why I started to panic was because I tend to overthink about scenarios in my head. Every time that I would overthink, I would question everything if any of it was real. Its not that I didn't trust the person, I trusted them but my overthinking caused me to question the trust I was giving them.
The Start of the End:
At the beginning of March, we were hanging out and they wanted to have a serious conversation. I was willing to listen and it sounded like they were hurting on the inside. They told me that they don't think that they are made for this. Whenever they were talking about how they were feeling, my heart dropped from some of the things that were said. I wanted to scream to tell them to get out of my house but I didn't out of respect of listening to how they felt. Despite how I felt, I still comforted them the best I could. I remember one thing though that truly hurt me the most. After we talked and everything, I gave them a hug but they didn't hug me back. It was the most confusing feeling I have ever felt. I didn't mention anything about it to them because I would feel selfish for bringing it up. But it bothered me very much.
Fast forward to March 19th, I had to go to the hospital due to pain in my chest area. I didn't know if it was my heart or lungs, I called my doctors office and the doctors advised me to go to the Emergency Room. Before that, I was on the phone with them and I was explaining that I had this pain in my chest. They told me that I should get it checked out. I called my mom and she even told me to go so we went. During this time, they were texting me if I was okay and everything. I thought that maybe I had them worried but now that I look back on it, I question if they really were.
10 days later to March 29th, something told me that maybe I should talk to them about stuff. I felt distanced from them so it bothered me. I had work from 7-7 that day so at 6am, I sent several long paragraphs. It was a Friday so it was a busy day for the both of us. Which the response was delayed because of it. Text messages below:
Me: "I've been thinking a lot about this and idk how to bring it up but I will. I feel like lately you've been distancing yourself from me. Sometimes when I text you I love you, you swerve the other way. I also feel like you don't want to hold a conversation with me. I feel like I'm the one starting them all the time and trying to drag out the topic just so I can talk to you. Im not going to force you to say I love you if you don't feel it. Im not going to force you to talk to me either. I like you still and idk if you feel the same way? I don't want to lose you and I really hope you aren't talking to other people like how you talk to me.......I've read texts how we used to talk to each other and it made me upset because we don't talk like that anymore and its bothering me as to why. You were always so flirty with me and it seemed like you wanted to talk to me and I miss that."
Them: "So i've been kind of busy with work and school.....and I don't wanna relationship I think. I feel bad for holidays when you get me stuff. idk....Its just my way of backing off I guess so nothing goes too fast or get to a certain point that I want to be. Its mostly me not wanting to go further cause im not sure if I want to yet. Im just being more me now lol."
Whenever someone you love sends you a text that responds saying they don't want a relationship. That hurts very bad. At the time of them responding back, I was at work and it was around noon. My next break was 1pm. So in response to their text messages, I just asked if I could call them and they agreed. I had about 30 minutes until my break time and during those 30 minutes, I was trying my hardest to keep my cool. I tried to use comedy as a way to distract the way I felt and I even talked to a co worker about everything who's one of my friends. She tried her best to comfort and help me which I appreciate so much. As time went closer to my break, I was thinking about all the things that I was going to say or if I should say those things. It was a difficult situation.
During my break, I called them. It was awkward because I wanted to scream at them and hang up but I wanted to hear them out to give them a chance to explain. They still had a chance to fix everything but the more that was said and the more I questioned them about things it was impossible to fix anything. I won't disclose anything regarding that phone call since it discussed private things that deserve to be kept out of the light.
Once my break was over, I went back into my workplace crying as I put on my safety equipment. I go into the room I am assigned to and I couldn't do it. I was slamming the parts around before packing them because I was angry. I tried to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing faster than a rocket flying into space. I went to my manager and I said I had to go home. My workplace was very understanding and I thank them for that. Once I got home, I called they and said that I went home because I was hurting. Thinking maybe they would fix the stuff that they caused but didn't. In response to the things that were discussed on the phone during my break, I tried to make them jealous by saying some things. I think they believed it but it was my way of hitting back where it hurt. Later that night was when things started to get very bad for me. I woke up at 2 am out of a deep sleep, panicking from a bad dream that I had but it turned out I was dreaming of what was going on in my life. After I woke up, I could not fall back asleep. I had work the next day and I knew I couldn't do it so I called off work which was a Saturday. That Saturday was one of the worst days I had in a very long time, I only got 3 hours of sleep. I couldn't eat at all because everytime I ate, I felt like I was going to throw up. My anxiety was very very bad. I live alone so I am surrounded by my own silence. Whenever you are by yourself suffering, it makes it 10 times worse. I had thoughts about ending my life that night. I thought maybe if I just had a quick way out of the pain, it would be worth it. Luckily I called my aunt that night and thank god she answered. We talked for about an hour and a half. Afterwards, I felt like I still had someone there for me. Around 8am, I figured to get myself together and do some self care. I brushed my teeth, drank some water, and I got ready to go out for a run. I ran for 3 miles and I jogged for 2 miles. I had no energy to do it from not eating but it felt like I was leaving my past behind me. I came home afterwards and laid upstairs in my room that whole day crying.
I don't regret anything that happened during this heartbreak of mine. Its been several weeks later since it happened and I am doing pretty good. I have been focusing on myself. I have also been retracting all that love back to myself. I recognize my strengths, weaknesses, and red flags that I ignored throughout this whole process. One of my biggest fears which is being vulnerable, I view that as a strength now. I can't protect my heart from everything and it shouldn't be seen as a weakness. If you aren't willing to be vulnerable for love, it wont ever be real love. Love is something that you have to be vulnerable for. You have to be willing to show to your significant other of how vulnerable you are to hurt you to let them see that you need them in your life and that you trust them not to hurt you. It's an authentic way of being real love. Not everyone that "loves" you will love you. Sometimes people say I love you just to say I love you. In order for I love you to actually mean something, it has to be backed by action and if it isn't then it isn't love. Another thing as well, I shouldn't have to beg to be loved by someone that I love. I look at this heartbreak as a preparation for my next love and that's the love that will change my entire life for the better.
An Open Letter to My Old Love:
Thank you for guiding me to show me the difference between real love and fake love. I hope one day you look back at what we had and realize that we did have something special at the beginning. Don't ever lead someone on like how you lead me on. If you are confused with how you feel, focus on yourself and don't play with other peoples emotions. Flat out tell the person how you are feeling the moment you are feeling your feelings so they know. Remember what you give out, it comes back to you. After all the things you have done, I truly hope you value commitment towards only one person in the future. I wish you the best.