Before when I would see the word anxiety I was clueless to what it actually was. I believed that we all had experienced anxiety. I thought it was the feeling of butterflies in your stomach before a big exam or performance. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Anxiety is the feeling of feeling everything at once in an alarming way, but also feeling nothing at all in a numb half dead sort of way. Anxiety for me is being scared all the time but not knowing why? It’s hating myself for not being able to do the things, the simple things that I used to be able to do. It’s how ordering food at a restaurant is rehearsed because we are afraid of making a mistake. We know what we fear is irrational at times, but for some unknown reason our bodies don’t agree. Our hearts want to jump out of our chests our legs don’t want to work, our heads spin we become so dizzy it’s hard to see or hear. Sometimes we just have to collapse onto the floor because our heads tell us we will faint otherwise.
Living with anxiety is like living in a prison where slowly one by one different life experiences are stolen from us. Living with anxiety is like living with a monster that wants to suck out any happiness from our lives and then makes us hate ourselves for losing out on life and for disappointing loved ones when our anxiety holds us back. Its feeling like a failure and thinking there is nothing you can do about it.
Nobody told me that with anxiety you can’t breathe. It’s like something squeezes my lungs and slowly each breath becomes harder and harder, it’s like anxiety wants me to stop breathing at times. Nobody told me that to live with anxiety means that you live with a constant pain in your chest that is sometimes so crippling it makes me cry. It’s never ending pain, anxiety doesn’t sleep and is twice as viscous at night where it reminds me of all the mistakes I made in life and what a disappointment and failure I am, it tells me I’m useless and pathetic.
But what anxiety doesn’t know is that I’m not ready to give in , I’m not ready to give up who I am , I will fight till there is no fight left in me. What anxiety doesn’t know is that I’m afraid to let it win. So let’s carry on fighting slowly step by step.