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Lost or Let Go? Perhaps Both Are Okay.

March 26, 2018

 

I lost my ring.

 

The promise ring to my partner.

 

The ring that matched his.

 

The ring that had black and silver bands, a style that we could both wear.

 

A ring that represented all the crap that we had survived over the last three years.

 

The ring that was a placement holder for a different, future ring; one that I would wear forever. 

 

I lost it.

 

I have hyperhidrosis. So when I stop sweating, my fingers are very thin but when I start to sweat, they swell up like little sausages. 

 

I lost it during a day where I wasn't sweating that much. So:

 

It could have fallen off while I was washing my hands. 

 

It could have slid off my finger when I was tugging at a lamp.

 

It could have bounced away while I was watching Deadpool, without me even noticing it.

 

Of course I retraced my steps. I looked in the washrooms and the sinks. I sifted through my bedding. Ran my hands over the dark- colored carpet in hopes of finding it. Even peered into the refrigerator because maybe I had put it there?!

 

Then of course I freaked out and cried a little. Because sometimes it's the little things that mean so much to you. And I miss it.  I miss the weight of it on my finger and running my adjacent finger over it when I was nervous. But most of all I miss it because of what it represented to me. All of the trials and tribulations that he and I had overcome together. And I got us these rings during the first month we started dating because I just sort of knew that we would need them in the following months. Something to connect us when the world would continue to try and tear us apart. 

 

But I'm starting to realize that maybe losing the ring was for the best. Because it represented a lot of challenging history for us. Maybe I was supposed to lose it so that I could look towards the future, my future and his, instead of dwelling on our past. Instead of dwelling on the resentment and anger that we have when we think of the past.

 

Maybe it's time for us to get new rings. A fresh start. 

 

So the question is, was the ring really lost? Or was it let go? Perhaps both are okay.

 

(Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better for losing it haha).

 

 

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