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The Journey Journals Part: 2

February 25, 2019

 

Breathe

Inhale

Exhale

Begin

 

Part: 2       After 

 

Living in the now is difficult, especially when all you can reflect on is the past. It swallows me whole and I get lost in the belly of the beat that is my past experiences. Recently, my best friend in the ENTIRE world has gone of to chase his dreams and joined the Air Force. He'a been at basic training for a few weeks now. For those who don't know about Basic Military Training (BMT), contact to the outside world is limited, so I haven't spoken to the one person in the world who I trust with my life. The only person I trust with my life.

His name is Daniel, and I love him with my entire being. Even though we have had some rough times, he still is "my person", my go-to man. Most of us have that person in our lives. That one human being that we can trust with all of our secrets and stories. I hope those who don't have that find that soon. It is one of the best feelings in the world to have someone who understands you forwards and backwards.

That is what Danny is for me. Since he has let for BMT, I haven't had that daily release. I haven't had that person to talk to, and that brings me back to many feeling I would have in middle school and Freshman year of high school. These feelings of being alone and scared. Not having someone to talk to that isn't a therapist or a parent is very constricting. Danny was my way out, my third party opinion. I miss him so much.

My parents HATE Danny, especially my dad. He says that Danny is a "terrible human being" and needs to "go rot somewhere else." I find this funny and sometimes thing that my father is talking about himself. The thing about Danny is, I'm in love with him; or at least that is what it feels like. I would travel to the ends of the world for this boy.

This entire situation has made me REALLY depressed. It sucks because my seasonal depression is sitting on my brain like a small bird. adding to it only makes it worse. 

There are days now where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do ANYTHING. That's the thing with living with depression; you're going to have those days where you don't want to move and you don't want to do anything at all. In the end though, you have to get up and go about your day because that's the only thing that will make it better. The world still turns outside while you lie in bed and wallow in depression and anxiety, and the only way you're going to make an impact and put you're imprint on this world is if you go out there and try your best. 

That is what gets me up every morning. Knowing that if I don't get out of bed, the world will still move without me and that I may miss my chance to make my mark on the world gets me up everyday. 

In the famous words of Lin Manuel-Miranda, "I am not throwing away my shot."

 

Take care and until next time, 

Julianna Kustra

 

 

 

 

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