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such sweet nothing

April 23, 2019

The Heavens are weeping for her as she stands outside in the dimly lit day. They know she has lost all the built hope in her again. They pour down their tears in hopes she’ll remember that they watch over her everyday. They’ve watched her smile and grow through the hardest days. After 12 hours they hand her life over to the night sky. The moon and stars know a different girl. They know her when she cries through the night. They know her when screams silently in her pillow. The moon whispers soft lullabies in her ear until the tears have dried and her eyes have closed. The stars touch her heart when she is finally asleep and give her soft fantasy dreams to bring her peace. When she wakes in the morning, the sun greets her again, hoping that the moon and stars could give her the needed comfort for the day ahead. She saw the black tears that stained the girls pillow, last night the stars gave her a dream that was too good to be true. The sun is not out today, replaced by rain clouds instead. She couldn’t watch her little girl she raised lose her motivation all over again. She hides above the clouds crying as well, for she couldn’t help the girl today.

 

A broken heart is no stranger to her. She lifts up her head into the clouds above and let’s their tears ruin what’s left of her makeup. She isn’t mourning the love she just lost, she mourns the best friend no longer by her side. She cries for music she can no longer listen to. She cries for her favorite road she can never drive because it leads to his house. She'll still read your Valentines Day note that she kept in her wallet all this time. She'll still wear your t-shirt to bed at night. She knows it will break her heart more, but she isn't ready to let go. It's not the goodbye that hurt her, it is the flashbacks that followed her. In the morning, her pillow was ruined from the realization her happiness was only found in the times she is asleep. She screams in the mirror because she is only angry at herself. He didn’t do anything wrong which is what she hates the most. She wants to give him what he needs, but with that, she loses the person most valued in her mind. Her hands shake when she drives. She doesn’t remember how she got to where she went because her mind is a blur. She loses control when she is alone; there is no one there to fake a smile for. Her mind is chaotic and her heart beat is staggering. Anxiety that rises in her pulse offsets her mind and body. Clutching her stomach so she doesn’t get sick again. Sitting on the floor, she cries all over again. The past days have been unbearable, but today is a new kind of pain.

 

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and asks how I do it. “How do you put on a smile for everyone around when everything inside is just blue rain clouds?” I smile back at my reflection and tell her it’s because the world doesn’t know how to comprehend sadness. I tell her to save it for the car ride home. I tell her to save it for the park bench when no one is looking. I tell her that when someone asks why her eyes are watery and her nose is red to blame it on the allergies. I tell her to cry in the shower so her tears wash down the drain. I tell her to scream at the top of her lungs when know one is around. I tell her to not show anyone that her heart is broken again because it brings in bad spirits that want to watch her fall into old ways. I tell her to smile through the pain and that when she is finally alone she can then open the dammed walls of her eyes. I touch her hand as she touches mine, “hope maybe lost today, but there is always a greater tomorrow.” She turned from me and hung her head as tears started again. She didn’t believe my lie. She falls to her knees and hands cover her face. I try to compose her, but she won’t listen to me. My heart breaks for the girl in front of me. The sun, moon, and stars have all tried their best but still didn’t succeed. The only thing now it’s to try to love the girl in the mirror. Give her the love she needs, bandage up her heart again, make sure that she knows how beautiful she is on the inside and out. I know her too well and her weeping heart turns into mine. I hope I can make her happy as he did, but I make no promises. I hope that I can watch her succeed through her everyday life. I hope I can watch her get up one last time. The hardest thing she has ever done is been able to walk away still irrevocably in love. Right now this girl is living on such sweet nothing. I truly can now see that the girl in the mirror needs me.

 

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My vulnerability is the greatest thing I am able to share. In this world, many struggle and think they are alone in their emotions. I am here to prove that wrong. It took incredible strength to post this after a couple weeks of writing. Today I was able to finally finish it and felt like readers needed to hear my story. My heart goes out to those in emotional pain whatever it might be. My heart goes out to those who think that their thoughts have never been shared by others. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you read this that have struggled with emotional distress. We all are humans, we all feel emotion. It is okay to cry, scream, and feel like the world is ending. But, quoting Therese Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place, "You're gonna fall in love so many times before you find the one you'll be with forever. You're just one broken heart closer to happily ever after."

 

 

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